Under the Canopy: Caregiving through the Seasons: Supporting Big Feelings in Little Bodies
Written by our therapist, Miranda, MSW, RSW
Welcome back! Last week we explored how we can better create calm during chaotic moments. We discussed The Window of Tolerance, noticing when we are getting overwhelmed, and 10 strategies we can use when we are feeling overwhelmed. I hope you were able to find a tool that has helped!
This week we are going to switch gears and explore how we can best support those big feelings in our little people. You will learn tools on how you can recognize when a child is moving from regulated to dysregulated and 10 new strategies on how you can support them when they become overwhelmed.
Big Feelings in Little Bodies
Behaviour is language for children.
Children do not always have the words to express what is going on inside and their actions are their expression.
When a child is experiencing something new, something frustrating or something that feels scary for them, they will typically respond with big, expressive, behaviours. This can look like anger and explosions, anxiety and not wanting to be away from you, or not wanting to try new things, it can look like shutting down and withdrawing or even running away, hiding or falling to the floor.
For children and even teenagers, their thinking brain is still developing and their emotional and survival brain is more active; this results in bigger emotions and bigger expressions of these emotions.
Understanding that you are not doing anything wrong, and that this is just a biological part of growing up, can help build empathy, understanding and patience as we teach our children and teens the tools to help them communicate and express themselves in pro-social ways.
Tracking Shifts & Noticing Patterns
Have you ever seen your child go from 0-100 and was calm just only a moment ago but suddenly is melting down over something that may seem so small to you?
Or, maybe you have noticed that whenever you have to transition to a new activity, or turn off the TV, or have to say no to something they want, they may yell, scream, or completely shut down?
Being able to recognize when your child is beginning to go beyond their ability to cope, as well as notice patterns where they are consistently having big feelings, can be incredibly helpful when supporting or preventing future meltdowns.
Tracking shifts can look like noticing your child’s:
body language,
verbal expression,
how and what they are playing,
as well as how intense they are playing.
Every child is different and will try to self-soothe the older they get; however, every person’s body will give clues that they are coming outside their window of tolerance.
Questions you could ask yourself regarding tracking shifts in your child:
Is your child’s body becoming bigger and more expressive or has it shrunk down?
Are they rolling their eyes, sighing more, rocking or pacing?
Are they being louder and maybe yelling or saying more aggressive words?
Has their play shifted from calm to more energetic or aggressive? Are they starting to whine or whimper?
These are just a few clues you could start noticing that their body is shifting and may go outside their window of tolerance.
Ten strategies to help you notice a shift in your child’s body or emotional expression:
Strategy 1: Switch Gears.
Distract, redirect, ask them for help with something heavy (heavy work can settle a nervous system).
By switching their brain to something different, you may be able to avoid a meltdown.
Strategy 2: Need Meet.
Ask yourself:
Have they eaten lately?
Are they thirsty?
Are they getting tired and need rest?
Is their body needing to move?
Exploring if they have an unmet need can help catch an emotional outburst before it starts.
Strategy 3: Name it to Tame it.
Name what you are seeing so they can help build awareness of their body, emotions and needs.
This could look like “I am noticing you are getting louder, maybe you need to run around outside,” or, “I am noticing you are whining and I am thinking you may be hungry.”
You can even start asking, “what do you think your body is telling you right now.”
Strategy 4: Support a Competency Surge.
This is an often overlooked tool but can instantly build confidence in your child or teen and can turn around a tough moment in an instant.
This looks like getting your child to do something they are good at, working on, or something they can be helpful with. When we give our child a task that they are good at, they are flooded with feel good chemicals that can quickly turn around a previously challenging moment.
Strategy 5: Explore outside noise.
If your child is getting louder, explore if the TV is on, fan is on, if there is music on and turn it off or down; outside noise can quickly make a stressed nervous system more stressed. If your child is low and may need a pick me up, turn on music to energize them.
Tracking Patterns: Looking for the Root Cause
Tracking patterns is another tool that can support a child when they are approaching something that has been historically challenging for them.
Every person, nevermind a child, will have moments that will challenge them and press against their window of tolerance.
Knowing a child’s triggers will help better understand the root cause of big feelings and how to support them in building resilience and tolerance for uncomfortable situations.
An example of how we can do this is writing down or mentally tracking the situations that your child is struggling with;
is it going to school,
is it turning the television off,
is it everyday they get home from school or an activity?
Five strategies that can help when we notice patterns, or when our child has flipped their lid:
Strategy 6: Support yourself.
When we are faced with a child or teen that is expressing big emotions our brain can be quick to react rather than support.
It is important that we recognize what we are feeling and experiencing and use some of the tools that were discussed in the last blog post, Creating Calm during Chaos.
Strategy 7: Organize.
When you know a transition, something new is happening or something challenging is going to occur for your child, help them get organized internally.
This can look like explaining what will happen first, second and third. For our very anxious kids and teens, this can also look like driving them to where they will be going, explaining the process of things, or introducing them to new people like a coach or teacher; these tools can help calm their nervous system.
You can explain your boundaries before turning on the TV and communicate the rules and expectations before going into a store; knowing the expectations and rules are very helpful for children.
Strategy 8: Co-Regulate.
Children and teens are quicker to calm when they are around someone who is regulated.
They track facial expressions, body language, breathing, and tone. Working on regulating yourself can help support your child in regulating themself.
Sometimes when we know something will be challenging for our child, we can act more anxious ourselves which can only heighten their anxiety.
By taking deep breaths, soothing yourself, and holding space for your child, their big feelings will move through them quicker and you will all be back to being regulated.
Strategy 9: Relate.
Do you have a friend or family member who listens to you when you are overwhelmed and they can say “I’ve been there, and it is hard?”
I am not sure about you, but I find it so validating.
Our children and teens like to feel like they are not alone and that they can get through the tough times with your support.
By sharing that you understand what they are going through, and that you love them and will support them, they will ground quicker and be ready to learn new skills on how to get through the tough moments.
Strategy 10: Skill Build.
It can help to ask yourself, “what skill are they missing here”.
This can help when our brain starts jumping into negative thoughts about our child’s behaviour. Your child may need to learn how to:
recognize their body shifts, or
build emotional literacy or
maybe they need to learn how to communicate or
to build more regulation skills and tools.
We are all learning new ways to support ourselves and with safe, caring adults, children and teens have all they need to succeed.
From Big Feelings to New Skills
By getting curious about what is going on for your child before and during a big feeling, you can better understand what is happening for them and begin to problem solve and teach skills to help them regulate.
By practicing different tools and trying new things when your child is struggling, they will learn what works for them and begin to integrate the strategies into their everyday life.
Hear More from Miranda in These Blogs:
Want the Opportunity to Work with Miranda?
If you are requiring more support for your child or teen who is dysregulated, or you want to help them or yourself build skills on how they can get through the tough moments, we are here to help and Miranda, is currently accepting new clients!
Schedule your free 15-minute consultation call to learn more about Canopy Cove Counselling in Alberta and to see how Canopy Cove Counselling can support you and your family.
