Marriage and Intimacy: Are You Stuck in a Sexless Marriage?
You've been married for several years and feel more like roommates. You care for each other dearly and feel like each other's best friends. Still, it seems like your sexual life has taken a hit since the birth of your second child, work stressors, mental health, aging or trauma (PTSD). Overwhelmed with balancing parenthood, daily chores, and a demanding career, you find your sexual desire waning. Or you are too tired to even think about having sex. However, your partner still craves the sexual intimacy you once shared, feeling hurt, rejected, disappointed and frustrated. They long to feel adored and desired by you. Your partner might blame you for wanting too much or not enough sex. You might feel like a failure and avoid connection. Over time your partner might give up trying to sexually connect with you as the rejection is too painful and they feel hopeless it will change. Months or years go by without being sexually intimate together. No matter how much you want to ignore this mismatch in your sexual desires and needs, it's just there – the elephant in the room. The danger of being in a sexless marriage is it might make you feel like you are no longer in love with your partner and you might start to feel attracted to others. You long to feel sexually connected like you did at the start of your relationship. There can be so much shame about being in a sexless marriage and it makes sense if you don’t know how to start the conversation to talk about it with each other.
What to do when you are roommates, not intimate partners
Many couples who seek marriage or couples counselling say they feel like they are just roommates in their relationships. They still feel really close and work together as a team. They take care of the kids, handle money matters, plan vacations, share household chores, and give each other support. However, their sexual needs don't align anymore. For some couples, their libidos have just cooled down, so they're not as interested in sex as before. Or they have different needs and desires, causing their sexual frequency to decline and creating frustration, guilt, and distance.
Sex and intimacy are essential aspects of a relationship. It's something that makes a marriage strong and healthy. So, if you find yourself in a roommate marriage lacking a genuine sexual connection, it can really take a toll on your relationship and overall happiness. You are not alone, however. Sexless marriages where sexual activity is infrequent or nonexistent are more common than you might think. About 19% of Canadian couples say that they rarely, if ever, have sex.
For many couples, intimacy issues are often shrouded in silence, leading to communication breakdown, infidelity, low self-esteem, trust issues, and severe emotional turmoil. But it doesn't have to be this way. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples can provide a safe setting and research-backed model to break free from a roommate marriage, discover why the life force has been sucked from your libido and rekindle intimacy.
How couples counselling can help you rekindle passion
Couples counselling can help bring back the passion and closeness you might miss in your marriage. Our relationship dynamic goes through three cycles: an emotional cycle, a physical cycle and a sexual cycle. To reignite intimacy in your relationship, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps bring these three cycles back into balance. It creates a safe place where both of you can feel good about being vulnerable and sharing your deepest feelings, opening up about what you genuinely need to feel seen, heard, and validated. This communication shift will ultimately lead to improved sex life and intimacy.
So, here's how working with one of our Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists (EFCT) might help get your sex life back on track:
Breaking the negative cycle
Our relationship cycles are unhealthy patterns in our relationship dynamics. We often get stuck in this unhealthy "relationship dance," repeating behaviours that keep us in the loop of misunderstandings, conflicts, and hurt feelings. Our Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists (EFCT) can help you break these cycles, polish your communication skills, and make way for more positive interactions, creating space for intimacy and passion.
Developing a mutual understanding of each other's emotions
Through the empirically researched model, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) can help you increase awareness of each other's emotional cues and needs. You will become better at recognizing how you reach out to your partner when you feel uncomfortable or triggered and how your spouse behaves when they are in distress. Do you yell, cry, and lash out? Or do you shut down, leave the room, or stop talking with them for days? A better understanding of each other's emotional signals can improve your connection, significantly reduce conflicts, and reignite that passion you used to have for each other.
Deepening emotional intimacy
Roommate marriages are not just about a lack of sex or different sexual desires and needs. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) goes well beyond the physical aspect of your relationship, helping you deepen your emotional intimacy, which can subsequently reignite your passion and improve your sex life.
How effective is couples counselling, and what do clients say?
Studies consistently show that most couples who participate in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) experience a significant improvement in their emotional well-being. Approximately 70–75% of couples report that Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) has helped them shift from a state of distress to recovery. Additionally, around 90% of couples show notable improvements after Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
Couples that use EFT learn to tune into each other's emotions and treat each other with empathy. Most of them believe Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) has helped them process their intimacy wounds, address sex difficulties, and become more aware of the causes of their desire discrepancy.
How Williamson & Associates Counselling in Alberta Offering Couples Counselling in Alberta Can Improve Your Sex Life!
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in Olds, Alberta and virtually across Alberta can help you feel connected in your marriage and relationship!
All of our couples therapists are trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Reach out today to book your free phone consultation here!
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