What Is Good Sex?
What is good sex? Who is having it and what makes it great? Pop culture, movies and magazines tell us good sex is about lightning bolt attraction, spontaneous seduction, various positions, a mind-blowing experience best reserved for the beginning of a relationship. Yet research paints a different picture of good sex.
Researchers of the Magnificent Sex Study found participants described good sex as “total absorption in the moment, deep connection with their partner, and openness and a willingness to take a few emotional risks.”
Sex educator and author Emily Nagoski said for good lovers “sex became a way to know themselves and their partners more fully. It was a way to play and explore together – to become vulnerable with one another. To go on an adventure.” Adding for many it led “to feeling more at peace with who they are and more satisfied in their lives generally.”
Safely Attached = Better Sex
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, reports in her article on The Three Kinds of Sex, that research has shown those in long-term relationships who openly chat about their sex life tend to have more and better sex than new or quieter couples.
Dr. Sue Johnson reports “What really determines what kind of sex you are going to have isn’t the novel positions you find in the sex manual or the new tips in the latest magazine. It’s how safely attached you are to your partner. Emotional presence and trust are the biggest aphrodisiacs of all.”
Dr. Sue Johnson: Detached to Deeply Connected Sex
Dr. Sue Johnson, using the science of attachment describes the three types of sex as:
Sealed-Off Sex:
Sealed-Off Sex revolves around reducing sexual tension, prioritizing personal sensation and performance over emotional connection with a partner. While this may be acceptable for one-night stands, it poses challenges in long-term relationships. Men may find it easier to engage in this type of sex, as they are wired to quickly move from arousal to orgasm. However, women often require more time and coordination with a partner to fully enjoy the experience.
In the context of short-term encounters, Sealed-Off Sex can be satisfying due to its one-dimensional nature, but in long-term relationships, it can be detrimental. The lack of emotional connection in this impersonal form of sex may leave one feeling used and emotionally isolated. Regular physical contact is highlighted as essential for tuning the brain into the need for emotional closeness. Without this connection, partners may experience a sense of isolation and deprivation.
Real eroticism is emphasized to be dependent on emotional connection, and when Sealed-Off Sex becomes the norm in a relationship, it signals a need to address the lack of safe emotional connection outside the bedroom. Partners may find themselves feeling disconnected and unimportant to each other, highlighting the importance of fostering emotional intimacy alongside physical satisfaction for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Solace Sex:
Solace Sex manifests when individuals, uncertain about their partner's commitment, seek reassurance through pleasing behaviours rather than fully engaging in love-making. This form of intimacy, centred around cuddling and affection, sacrifices the erotic aspect of sex. Sensitivity to signs of rejection leads to catastrophic thinking when a partner expresses disinterest, often resulting in pressure for sex or heated arguments. Communication becomes paramount when Solace Sex becomes the norm, prompting a need for open dialogue about anxieties and uncertainties. Establishing a sense of safety within the relationship is important, as it enables individuals to let go of insecurities and fully enjoy their sexuality. Ultimately, Solace Sex highlights the importance of addressing emotional needs and fostering a secure connection to enhance both the emotional and physical aspects of intimate relationships.
Synchrony Sex:
Synchrony Sex is a blend of emotional openness, responsiveness, tender touch, and erotic exploration within a safe emotional bond. Unlike relying on wild sexual techniques, the key prerequisite for this form of intimacy is the establishment of emotional safety. Feeling secure emotionally enables effective communication, expression of needs, playful exploration, and relaxation into sexual experiences.
In Synchrony Sex, partners can attune to each other, coordinating a sexual dance that responds to shifts and peaks in arousal. The interplay between emotional safety and physical synchrony becomes mutually reinforcing. This type of sexual connection deepens the bond between partners, reinforces their sense of attractiveness, and turns lovemaking into a consistent source of joy.
Research indicates that those with a secure emotional bond enjoy sex more frequently. Moreover, a foundation of emotional safety enables couples to navigate sexual differences and challenges in long-term relationships. Dr. Sue Johnson says “ When you can have this kind of sex, rejoice and hold your lover tight. This is the way sex was supposed to be.”
Having a Great Sex Life is About Being Emotionally Connected
The secret sauce to having awesome sex is all about having a deep emotional connection. It's about being vulnerable, trusting each other, and feeling close.
Real, satisfying sex is all about feeling emotionally connected, secure, and just being yourself. Real-life sex is nothing like in the movies, and real lovers are far from perfect. Talking openly with your partner about sex can make a huge difference. It builds trust, and according to Dr. Sue Johnson, couples who chat about their sex life tend to have more and better sex in the long run. Sex is a journey, not a destination. Dr. Sue Johnson's advice is that good sex is more than just physical—it's about emotional connection. That's the real secret to a lifetime of enjoyable and connected sex.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy For A Great Sex Life
Counselling for couples can rekindle the passion and intimacy that may be absent in your marriage. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) can help you deepen your emotional intimacy, thereby reigniting your passion and elevating your sex life as a couple.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps couples improve their emotional connection, communication, and overall relationship satisfaction. This therapeutic approach looks at attachment patterns and emotions, to build a stronger and more supportive bond between partners.
Numerous research studies have supported the efficacy of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). Research has shown that couples who engage in EFCT often experience positive changes in their relationships, including increased emotional intimacy and better conflict-resolution skills.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) is designed to address a range of relationship issues, including communication difficulties, trust issues, and emotional distance. It can help couples deal with various challenges, from everyday conflicts to more significant relationship crises.
Long-Term Benefits of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT)
Studies suggest the positive effects of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) are not a short-term fix. Research shows couples typically experience positive impacts that stay for the long term. Even after couples counselling sessions have ended, couples who undergo Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) continue to experience improvements in their relationship. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps couples build emotional safety in their relationship leading to a more connected relationship and greater sex life.
Couples Counselling in Olds, Alberta
At Williamson & Associates Counselling in Olds, Alberta, our couples counsellors are trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Our counsellors offer in-person couples counselling at our Olds, Alberta location, or online couples counselling to anyone in the province of Alberta. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help you have a greater sex life by feeling connected and emotionally safe in your marriage and relationship. Reach out today to book your free phone consultation here with one of our amazing couples counsellors in Olds, Alberta.
