Discover how different attachment styles impact relationships with Williamson & Associates in Olds, Alberta. Learn what attachment theory is and its effects on connections. Read now!

Do you often find yourself pulling away when a relationship starts to deepen? Do you feel uncomfortable sharing your feelings, usually keeping others at a distance to protect yourself? Or perhaps you rely excessively on your partner for care, validation, and emotional support, find setting boundaries challenging, or have difficulty making decisions independently. Do you repeat these patterns in all your relationships, even if you don't know why?

If these behaviours sound familiar, your attachment style might influence your relationships. Understanding these patterns could be the key to breaking the cycle and fostering healthier, more satisfying connections.

What is Attachment Theory?

The concept of attachment style is rooted in attachment theory, which explains how our early experiences with caregivers continue to shape our patterns of interaction in adult relationships.

Attachment theory was established by a British psychologist, John Bowlby, and further developed by Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby investigated the powerful emotional connections between children and their parents or caregivers, observing the intense distress in infants separated from their caregivers. Based on his research, Bowlby proposed that early caregiver-child relationships are crucial to a child's development.

When a child's relationship with their caregivers is responsive and caring, they feel safe and confident. A loving and responsive connection builds the framework for a secure attachment by developing your ability to respond to closeness and intimacy, manage challenges, and be independent.

On the other hand, children are more likely to develop an insecure attachment and face challenges in their adult relationships if they grow up in a family with confusing, inconsistent, or threatening dynamics and a caregiver who doesn't respond to their needs.

Overview of Early Attachment Patterns

Based on Bowlby's attachment theory, the four major attachment patterns are identified:

Secure attachment
Anxious-preoccupied attachment
Dismissive-avoidant attachment
Fearful-avoidant attachment

Secure Attachment

Children develop secure attachments and healthy relationships when caregivers consistently meet their needs, fostering trust, confidence, and resilience. Security also encourages confidence, independence, and self-regulation, all essential for building healthy relationships.

Ideally, when an infant cries out, their caregiver responds consistently. The baby begins to formulate confidence in the idea that when they have a need, someone will be there for them. This is essential during the first year of life and must be consistent during the first two years of age. As a result of this consistency, they form an emotional attachment to an adult who is attuned to them, that is, who is sensitive and responsive in their interactions with them. It is vital that this attachment figure remain a consistent caregiver throughout this period in a child’s life. During the second year, children begin to consider and use the adult as a secure base from which to explore the world and become more independent. A child in this type of relationship is more likely to become securely attached. In order for a child to feel securely attached to their parents or care-givers, the child must feel safe, consistently recognized, and soothed.

Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment

Anxious-preoccupied attachment comes from inconsistent parenting, where caregivers are supportive and responsive one moment but distant, insensitive, intrusive and unresponsive the next. Growing up with this unpredictability often makes children confused and insecure, not knowing what type of treatment to expect. They often feel suspicious and distrustful of their parent but at the same time they act clingy and desperate. These children have an ambivalent/anxious attachment with their unpredictable parent.

Avoidant Attachment

Some adults are emotionally unavailable and, as a result, they are insensitive to and unaware of the needs of their children. They seem to have little or no response when a child is hurting or distressed. These parents discourage crying and encourage independence. Emotions are seen as being negative and a sign of weakness. Often their children quickly develop into “little adults” who take care of themselves. These children pull away from needing anything from anyone else and are self-contained. They are likely to develop an avoidant attachment with a misattuned parent.

Disorganized Attachment

When a parent or caregiver is abusive to a child, the child experiences the physical and emotional cruelty and frightening behavior as being life-threatening. This child is caught in a terrible dilemma: her survival instincts are telling her to flee to safety but safety is the very person who is terrifying her. The attachment figure is the source of the child’s distress. In these situations, children typically disassociate from their selves. They detach from what is happening to them and what they are experiencing is blocked from their consciousness. Children in this conflicted state have disorganized attachments with their fearsome parental figures.

People with disorganized attachment style often had to take on adult roles as kids, sometimes even dealing with unstable caregivers or abuse. This may have resulted in deep distrust in people and a reluctance to create strong emotional ties in adulthood. As adults, they might struggle with a push-pull dynamic in relationships, wanting connection but also fearing it.

Adult Attachment Styles

Secure Personality:

People who formed secure attachments in childhood have secure attachment patterns in adulthood. They have a strong sense of self-worth and they naturally desire close relationships with others. They basically have a positive view of themselves, their partners and their relationships. Their lives are balanced: they are both secure in their independence and in their close relationships.

Dismissive Personality:

Those who had avoidant attachments in childhood most likely have dismissive attachment patterns as adults. These people tend to be loners; they regard relationships and emotions as being relatively unimportant. They are cerebral and suppress their feelings. Their typical response to conflict and stressful situations is to avoid them by distancing themselves. These people’s lives are not balanced: they are inward and isolated, and emotionally removed from themselves and others.

Preoccupied Personality:

Children who have an ambivalent/anxious attachment often grow up to have preoccupied attachment patterns. As adults, they are self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. This drives them to act clingy and overly dependent with their partner. These people’s lives are not balanced: their insecurity leaves them turned against themselves and emotionally desperate in their relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Personality:

People who grew up with disorganized attachments often develop fearful-avoidant patterns of attachment. Since, as children, they detached from their feelings during times of trauma, as adults, they continue to be somewhat detached from themselves. They desire relationships and are comfortable in them until they develop emotionally close. At this point, the feelings that were repressed in childhood begin to resurface and, with no awareness of them being from the past, they are experienced in the present. The person is no longer in life today but rather, is suddenly re-living an old trauma. These people’s lives are not balanced: they do not have a coherent sense of themselves nor do they have a clear connection with others.

Attachment Styles and Their Impact on Relationships

Different attachment styles significantly impact relationship dynamics.

For example, those with an ambivalent-anxious attachment may become people-pleasers, constantly seeking their partner's approval and struggling with trust and jealousy.

In contrast, individuals with avoidant attachment often prioritize independence over closeness, resisting emotional support and struggling with vulnerability.

Meanwhile, those with fearful-avoidant (disorganized) attachment might exhibit a push-pull behaviour, moving between being caring and distant due to trust issues and intense emotions.

On the other hand, people with secure attachment balance emotional connection with independence, fostering healthy relationships through vulnerability, trust, and effective conflict resolution.

It's Never Too Late!

There is good news—it is never too late to develop a secure attachment. The negative effects of not having an ideal attachment experience early in life are absolutely reversible. Even though your patterns of attachment were formed in infancy and can follow you throughout your life, it is possible to shift your attachment style into a healthier one. The first step is to become aware of your present style of attachment.

Research on attachment demonstrates that awareness of your present attachment style and making sense of childhood experiences is actually the best predictor of future security in relationships. Research also shows that by forming an attachment with someone with a secure attachment style can influence our own sense of security in the relationship.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy, especially emotionally focused therapy (EFT) as emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT), emotionally focused family therapy (EFFT) or emotionally focused individual therapy (EFIT) can help you understand your attachment style and how it affects your relationships. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) looks at a relationship as an attachment bond, acknowledging each partner’s fundamental emotional needs for safety and connection in intimate relationships. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) helps you identify and work through the emotional patterns driving your behaviours, promoting vulnerability, more secure attachment, and healthier relationship dynamics. It's all about building trust, improving communication, and strengthening your connection.

Practical Tips for Improving Relationships Based on Attachment Styles

Enhancing relationships begins with self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. When you understand and accept yourself, you are more likely to build strong, meaningful relationships with others.

If you have an anxious attachment, practice open communication by vulnerably expressing your needs without demanding or overwhelming your partner. Work with your emotionally focused therapist (EFT) on building trust by recognizing and challenging your insecurities.
For those with avoidant attachment, focus on gradually opening up emotionally. Allow yourself to rely on your partner, and try to express your feelings more openly.
If you have a disorganized attachment, try to identify and address your triggers. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) will provide a space to explore and heal the conflicting desires for connection and self-protection, helping you feel more secure in your relationships.

Regardless of your attachment style, fostering emotional intimacy requires ongoing work. Regularly engage in self-reflection, set healthy boundaries, and be patient with yourself and your partner as you work together to build a more secure and fulfilling connection.

Attachment and Relationship Therapy in Olds, Alberta

Understanding your attachment style is vital to building healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Reflect on your attachment patterns to understand how they affect your relationship. We at Williamson & Associates understand how overwhelming this might be. But professional guidance and support are available. EFT can help you address your unmet needs, understand why unfulfilled needs may prevent you from having the connections you desire, and express them assertively without acting needy.

To take the next step, contact us today to schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists specializing in attachment-related issues and relationship therapy.

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Understanding Different Attachment Styles and Their Impact on Relationships

What is Attachment Theory?