Beneath the Argument: A Cry for Connection

Jun 26

Why Do Couples Fight?

If you're in a long-term relationship, chances are you’ve asked yourself at least once:
"Why do we keep having the same fight?"

Maybe it’s about the dishes. Or parenting. Or tone. But beneath all those surface-level topics, something deeper is happening—something Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), has spent decades helping couples understand.

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, couples don’t fight because of incompatibility or personality flaws. They fight because they feel emotionally unsafe or disconnected—and don’t know how to reach for each other in a way that gets them back into sync.

If you listen closely to most couples’ arguments, beneath the raised voices, the long silences, or the retreat to daily distractions, there is often a quieter plea waiting to be heard:
“Do I matter to you?”
“Can you see me?”
“Will you stay with me when I’m not okay?”

Beneath most arguments is a quiet plea to be chosen, considered, understood, or accepted. What sounds like conflict is often a cry for connection.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps us tune into that plea, by shifting our focus from the surface of conflict—the content—to the underlying emotional signals that shape how we experience and react to one another. Couples get stuck in the patterns of how they fight, shut down, or miss each other emotionally in moments of distress.

As a team of couples therapists based in Olds, AB with clients who drive in from Airdrie, Calgary, Red Deer, Sylvan Lake and Drumheller or meet with us virtually across Alberta, we’ve seen firsthand how Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps partners move from distress and disconnection toward understanding and emotional closeness. Whether you're seeking relationship counselling, marriage counselling, or couples therapy in Olds, or travelling from Airdrie, Calgary, or Red Deer, or meeting with us online somewhere in Alberta, our team of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists offer warm, compassionate, effective care toward lasting change.

Fighting Is a Protest for Connection

One of the key insights from Dr. Sue Johnson’s work is this:

Most arguments are not about content—they’re about connection.

Couples fight because one or both partners are experiencing a sense of emotional disconnection. The anger, blame, or shutdown behaviour you see on the surface is often a protest—a way of saying, “Where are you? Do I still matter to you?”

Understanding the Pattern, Not the Problem

In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we help couples slow down and see what’s really going on underneath the cycle of fighting. This is not about assigning blame. It’s about understanding the pattern you both get caught in when you feel unsafe.

Dr. Johnson teaches that almost all couples in distress fall into a negative interactional cycle:

One partner pursues: gets louder, more frustrated, criticizes or demands
The other partner withdraws: shuts down, avoids, goes silent, leaves the room

The Cycle Is the Enemy—Not Each Other

These roles aren’t about gender, personality, or who's right or wrong. They’re often based on each partner’s attachment style and how they’ve learned to protect themselves when relationships feel emotionally risky.

At Canopy Cove Counselling, we often say:
"You're not the problem—your negative cycle is."

Understanding your cycle is the first step toward changing it.

In moments of stress, every couple tends to fall into a predictable cycle: one partner might raise the emotional volume, chasing connection, while the other might retreat or withdraw in an effort to keep the peace and reduce conflict. One gets louder; the other checks out—maybe literally, suddenly the dog needs to walked or emails need to be answered. These aren't random actions; they're protective strategies, often shaped long before the current relationship began. You (and your partner) are not a bad person—it’s just that your coping strategy might not work here. Maybe no one has ever helped you know how to stay in this vulnerable place—how to ride the wave of distress together rather than alone.

Through emotionally focused couples therapy, our therapists at Canopy Cove Counselling in Alberta, help couples understand their interactional pattern, rather than getting lost in the surface-level content of arguments. These cycles become the real issue—not the people in them.

Coping Relationally, Not Alone

In our Western culture, self-reliance, independence,“handling it on your own” is valued. But we are wired for interdependence, not isolation. Emotional safety comes from secure relationships, not from simply being "stronger" on your own. According to attachment theorist John Bowlby, we thrive when we have access to effective dependence—knowing someone will be there, reliably, when we’re in distress.

Attachment theory, especially Bowlby’s concept of effective dependence, teaches us that needing others is not weakness—it's a fundamental human design. True emotional regulation doesn’t happen in isolation; it happens in safe relationships. Learning to cope relationally is the foundation of a secure, connected bond.

Dr. Sue Johnson said the function of love is to offer and provide protection from the storms of life. Through emotionally focused couples therapy, and relationship counselling, partners learn how to cope relationally—to support each other through distress rather than struggling in parallel silos.

Trauma and Couples Counselling

As a team of couples counsellors at Canopy Cove Counselling, who also specialize in trauma therapy in Alberta, we understand the profound impact that trauma and early childhood attachment experiences have on relationships and the unique dynamics of each ‘cycle’. If you've a trauma survivor, your journey in marriage counselling or relationship therapy might look a little different. The classical secure bond might not feel accessible right away. Instead, the goal may be to learn how to tolerate connection without shutting down, lashing out, or feeling unsafe. Maybe no one has ever helped you here.

If you've never had someone walk with you through emotional pain, vulnerability can feel like danger. In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), we move slowly. Gently. We learn to stay right here—with the discomfort, with the old protection strategies, with the possibility of something new.

Clear Emotional Signals: From Static to Signal

One of the biggest challenges couples face is that emotional signals get scrambled in distress. You might be trying to say “I miss you” but it comes out as “You never listen.” Or “I’m scared” gets wrapped up in sarcasm, yelling, or silence. What comes out as anger might actually be fear. Underneath a sharp tone might be sadness or longing.

Most of us send our emotional messages too big, in a “soup” of emotion. In emotionally focused couples counselling, we help you send clear emotional signals your partner can hear and respond to—without the static.

Our job as emotionally focused couples therapists is to slow things down. To shift from storytelling and rehashing the details of the latest argument to uncovering the inner experience beneath it and emotional message you were sending. We help you find the true signal beneath the noise. Because when emotion is understood, it becomes a powerful messenger of love. And connection can start to rebuild.

Questions for Reflection

During Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT), we explore:

What is your longing with your partner?
What are your fears?
What do you do when you feel disconnected—do you pursue or withdraw?
Do you have the same shared relationship goals?
Can you turn to the other for support and find your partner comforting, accessible, responsive and engaged? Can you be there for your partner in their distress?
Do you understand your relationship pattern while in distress, who turns up the emotional heat, who tries to turn it off?
Can you unlatch from conflict by sending clear emotional signals that your partner can respond to?

Couples Counselling in Alberta

Couples don’t fight because they’re broken. They fight because they’ve lost connection—and don’t know how to get it back.

Emotionally Focused Therapy helps you find your way back to each other, with guidance, compassion, and the knowledge that what you’re longing for is human, natural, and completely possible to repair. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy isn’t about labeling one person as the “bad guy”, or “too much.” It’s about discovering the relational dance you’ve gotten caught in—and learning how to change the music.

Whether you’re looking for couples counselling, relationship counselling, or marriage counselling in Olds, Red Deer, Airdrie, Calgary or across Alberta, the first step is not about fixing each other—it's about understanding your cycle that gets in the way of connection.

As a team of trained emotionally focused couples therapists we see couples who drive in from Airdrie, Calgary, Red Deer and Drumheller to meet with us in our office in Olds and other couples across Alberta who meet with us online. We help you see and unlatch from your negative pattern by learning how to send a clearer signal—one your partner can respond to with warmth, not defensiveness.

Ready to Begin?

At Canopy Cove Counselling, we use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to help partners:

Understand the emotional needs behind the conflict
Identify and name their negative interaction pattern
Learn how to send clear, softer emotional signals
Rebuild emotional safety and trust

Whether you're seeking marriage counselling in Olds, relationship counselling in Calgary, or online couples therapy across Alberta, emotionally focused couples therapy, gives you a proven roadmap to rebuild your bond—not just manage your conflict.

If you’re ready to shift your pattern and reconnect with your partner, take a proactive step towards healing and growth by engaging in emotionally focused couples therapy in Olds, Alberta. Our team of couples counsellors and trauma specialists at Canopy Cove Counselling provides a warm and supportive space to help couples navigate conflict, rebuild trust, and foster a deeper emotional connection in their relationship in Olds and across Alberta.

Reach out to schedule an initial consult call. Let's explore rebuilding trust, deepening emotional safety, and creating lasting connection.

Get Matched with a Therapist

See other posts about Couples Counselling in Olds, Airdrie, Red Deer, Calgary, Alberta:

Parenting and Partnership: Balancing Roles with Couples Counselling

Couples CounsellingEmotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

Canopy Cove Counselling

Canopy Cove Counselling offers Individual, Couple & Family Counselling in Olds, Alberta, offering support and whole family care with mental health, trauma and relationship challenges.